Vertical Confessions: Elevator Confidential

Because everything goes down (and up) in the elevator.

In the glamorous world of luxury high-rise living, one might assume that drama is reserved for board meetings or the rooftop cocktail hour. But, let me assure you—where there are elevators, there’s chaos. And where there’s chaos, there are cameras. Crystal-clear, perfectly angled cameras that people seem to forget exist. Spoiler: we don’t. And yes, people like me monitor them.

Which brings us to Vlad, Justin, and, of course, Brittani. (With an i, because that spelling comes with a side of extra.)

Elevator Etiquette 101

For those of you unfamiliar with the moving process in a high-rise, here’s the quick version: You notify the management team, reserve the elevator in advance, and we drape the cab in thick protective padding to ensure it doesn’t end up looking like it went 12 rounds with a moving truck. There is also some sort of fee involved. Easy, right? Apparently not for everyone.

Now, most of you have probably met Vlad. If not, I recommend checking out The Bike Room Chronicles. Vlad, our 9th-floor resident, exudes the charm of a Bond villain and runs a “pharmaceutical” business that’s definitely not CVS-approved. Vlad is hard to miss, thanks to his collection of oversized watches, flashy Versace sunglasses, and a wardrobe that screams “I may or may not be laundering money.”

Then there’s Brittani.

Enter Brittani

Brittani is… well, let’s just say she has a certain aesthetic. Dark long hair extensions, large features (all sponsored by Vlad, or some gentleman I assume), and an unwavering commitment to carrying everything she owns in oversized Victoria’s Secret bags. It’s a vibe. I wouldn't say name brand, I'd say knock off. Silicon knock off.

But here’s the twist: Brittani wasn’t originally Vlad’s. No, she was Justin’s girlfriend first! Justin, who lives on the 3rd floor, is Vlad’s polar opposite. Slim, tattooed, fair-skinned, and shockingly attractive for a guy who’s also dabbling in the “pharmaceutical arts.” If Vlad is a straight-to-DVD adult feature, Justin is an indie film—edgy, but mostly respectable.

Moving Up (and Down) the Ranks

One day, we noticed Brittani hauling her oversized bags up to the 9th floor. No elevator reservation. No padding. Just Brittani, dragging half of Victoria’s Secret behind her. Confused? So were we.

Cue Justin’s call to the office:

"Hey, I need you to deactivate Brittani’s fob immediately. She’s no longer my guest."

Oh.

I smiled—professionally, of course—and asked, with just the right amount of polite curiosity, “And the elevator fee for her move?”

Why did I say that? Now he knows that I know. I just poked the bear.

“Ask Vlad,” Justin shot back, voice sharp enough to cut through the phone.

Oh, how I wanted to respond. But being the consummate professional that I am, I simply nodded, turned off her fob, and whispered to the Assistant General Manager, “Come here—this is going to be good.”

We decided to stay in our lane. No calls to Vlad. Just quiet observation in front of the security cameras that have multiple views. We confirmed, Brittani was literally movin' on up to the 9th floor with Vlad.

And for a couple of weeks, all was quiet. Until…

I saw Brittani. In the lobby. With Justin. OH, no, no, no.

They were flirting, laughing, and heading back to his unit on the 3rd floor. Being the professional I am, I stayed quiet. Holding it together on the outside, but internally what the actual…?

That very night, a couch appeared in the 9th-floor hallway. I called Vlad.

“Vlad, there’s a couch in the hallway." ”It's my guest’s. Brittani. She's moving out.”Oh, she's back to guest. What is with them calling her a guest after the breakup?

The next morning? Same couch. Now parked on the 3rd floor hallway. Yes, Brittani had moved back in with Justin. I only hope they remembered to pivot!

At this point, even professionalism has its limits. I issued Vlad a violation for unauthorized common area storage. I mean, who leaves a couch in the hallway like it’s a communal seating area? This isn’t IKEA. As for Justin? A violation for failing to reserve the elevator—because, unfortunately, state statutes don’t allow me to issue the same violation twice, no matter how deserved.

But if you think this saga is over, think again. Brittani, queen of tactical relocations, isn’t done. Will she stay with Justin? Return to Vlad? Find a new sponsor with Paul on the 12th floor?

One thing’s for sure—Brittani isn’t moving out of the building. Say what you will, but the girl knows a thing or two about convenience. She has put a new meaning on location desirable.

Stay tuned. Because in high-rise living, the drama isn’t just on The Real Housewives. Sometimes, it’s just a fob swipe away—or a floor above you.

Coming soon: DNA tests, elevator fees, and one very awkward couch.

And now, off to therapy.